Toxic Colleagues - How to Handle Their Behaviour and Keep Your Sanity

I have worked with SO MANY toxic people in my career.

For a long time I thought the toxic behaviour just came as a package deal with the fields I worked in.

For example, I worked at Centrelink and it was highly stressful, I worked in recruitment and it was highly competitive and I worked in many contract roles and it was always highly uncertain.

I told myself that these environments made my colleagues understandably tense, and that thought turned into an excuse for their neuroticism.

I was often detached from their negative attitudes, until it would manifest into bullying, harassment, and manipulation, creating toxic workplace cultures - something that always happened.

I made a lot of excuses for their bad behaviour and, surprisingly, I don’t regret it.

Whilst I don’t think that I’m the perfect employee, I do wish I had made more of an effort to protect my own mental wellbeing in those jobs.

We are all doing our best to handle stress at work, maintain our job security, and ward off attempts for work dumping, whilst simultaneously trying to keep our own insecurities from turning into egotistical bulldozers.

It’s not easy and some people are better at it than others.

That being said, it’s especially not easy to manage your own shadows whilst you’re constantly having to beat off everyone else's.

Over the years, I realised it wasn’t the industry that brought out those toxic behaviours, it was the random luck of the draw of who you ended up working with. Even in the most relaxed workplaces with very little pressure and great job security, people would find a way to bring out their toxic behaviour. They’d focus on everything everyone else was doing wrong, make mountains out of molehills, and demand that everyone bend to the whims of their imagined authority.

Again, I’m not saying I’m the perfect employee - I stress, I vent, and I gossip. We all do it.

The difference is that these toxic people NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER STOP their toxic behaviour.

They don’t want to gossip because they need to vent - they talk about people to reinforce their moral superiority and how hard they work in comparison.

They don’t complain about their workload because it’s unreasonable - they complain because they’ve hardly worked a proper day in their lives.

They don’t assume the people around them are doing the right thing - they feel entitled that they must physically witness their colleagues working or else it didn’t happen.

They cannot be told they need to change anything about themselves because they have a list of 10 other people that’ve done the wrong thing in the last hour.

They find ways to stay negative and it never stops!

Whilst most people try their best to oscillate back to their regular state after challenging events, toxic people seem to feel an obsessive need to wear the negativity like a coat, and remind you every day that they are miserable…

The worst part is that after a while, their misery seeps into your own thoughts. How can it not?

You work with them every day, hearing the same complaints, witnessing the same rollercoaster of emotions and never being able to create any distance between you and them.
If you’ve ever been subjected to this - or are currently enduring it - don’t despair!

Whilst my own experiences have been painful, I’ve worked out some ways to deal with toxic behavours at work and maintain your sanity!

The Behaviours That Are Making You Feel Drained

First, let’s break down the behaviours that are probably breaking down your will to go to work. I’ve created a rubric for the five most common behaviours I’ve noticed in highly negative cultures.

In reality there are many more, such as bullying and harassment, but I want to focus on the most common and under-identified ones. I break down the name, how it manifests and why it’s toxic for the people regularly exposed to it:

What Can You Do About The Toxic Behaviours?

People with negative attitudes in the workplace:

The problem with negative attitudes at work is that we often feel we must do one of two things:

Engage in the negative emotion associated with or stemming from the toxic person
Suppress the negative emotion

This often leads to exhaustion or the development of mental health disorders such as depression. Addressing these issues effectively is not only important for fostering a positive work environment, but also a positive personal mindset.

The first step is to establish clear boundaries. Maslach and Leiter (2016) proved that setting limits on your interactions with negative people can have a protective effect on your mental and emotional health.

Not everyone is comfortable with saying ‘no’ but boundaries can start in more subtle ways and still be very effective - for instance, stop engaging in gossip or negativity and politely excuse yourself from conversations that veer towards toxic topics.

These negative people are often looking for a reaction, so if you exit (or just show that you’re not interested), they will probably stop telling you because you’re not fulfilling their needs.

The next step is to maintain your own well-being. Self-care activities such as regular exercise, adequate sleep, and mindfulness practices can significantly reduce stress and improve your resilience.

Mindfulness, in particular, has been shown to help manage stress and maintain a positive outlook in challenging environments - you just have to make it a regular practice for about 8 weeks. These sessions don’t even have to be 40 minutes at a time - you can start with 5!

As you get better at it, you’ll start noticing your emotions/reactions to other people’s negative attitudes, and will even be able to choose to remain calm during them (it’s a pretty cool trick that I’ve started experiencing myself - and also very helpful).

Practising self-care will be beneficial for dealing with all toxic workplace issues - not just a team of negative attitudes.

When interacting with negative colleagues, aim for constructive communication.

Express your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully. Non-violent communication techniques, which emphasise empathy and understanding, can be particularly effective in defusing tension and promoting positive interactions. This involves four key steps:

Observation: Start by objectively describing the situation without judgement or exaggeration. For instance, instead of saying, "You're always so negative," you might say, "I've noticed that during our meetings, you often highlight problems with our projects."
Feelings: Clearly express how the situation makes you feel. Use "I" statements to take ownership of your emotions. For example, "I feel frustrated when our meetings focus solely on problems."
Needs: Communicate your needs or values that are not being met. This helps others understand the impact of their behaviour on you. For example, "I need our team to focus on solutions and positive outcomes."
Requests: Make a specific, actionable request for change. Ensure that your request is clear and achievable. For example, "Could we spend some time in our meetings discussing potential solutions to the issues we face?". By using these non-violent communication techniques you don’t come across as threatening. Negative people want you to give them another excuse to remain negative, so by using this approach it not only helps in defusing tension but also encourages positive interactions and mutual respect.

Gossip and Rumour Mongering

The solution to gossip and rumour-mongering requires a multifaceted approach that includes maintaining professionalism, and building positive relationships.

Maintaining professionalism is the starting point. Most of us can admit there’s something thrilling about learning something excitingly scandalous about discussing someone else at work.

It’s not necessarily done with ill-intent but it does present opportunities to bond with people over the crazy environment we share with them.

It also breaks up the day and it feels good to agree with colleagues about something controversial - the camaraderie creates a feeling of safety in those relationships.

The problem, however, is that not everyone knows how or when to stop gossip from turning into a soul-sucking, never-ending, can-we-please-move-past-this-now void. On top of that, once you know they gossip, you become acutely aware that they might soon start rumours about YOU.

So exhibiting ‘professionalism’ becomes the answer. According to Kurland and Pelled (2000), exhibiting a professional demeanour can diminish the impact of rumours and involves several key behaviours:

Adhering to workplace standards: Consistently following company policies and standards sets a positive example. This includes being punctual, meeting deadlines, and dressing appropriately for the workplace. By adhering to these standards, you demonstrate reliability and integrity, making it harder for gossip to stick.
Communication skills: Communicate clearly, respectfully, and effectively with colleagues at all levels. Use professional language and tone, avoiding slang or overly casual speech. Effective communication can prevent misunderstandings that often fuel gossip.
Emotional control: Maintain composure, even in stressful situations. Avoid reacting emotionally to gossip or rumours - it might take some practice! Displaying calmness and control can disarm gossip mongers, as it shows that their attempts to provoke a reaction are unsuccessful.
Work focus: Concentrate on your responsibilities and tasks. According to Tubre & Collins (2000), high performance and dedication to work can overshadow negative talk. When colleagues see your commitment and competence, they are more likely to view you based on your professional contributions rather than hearsay.

The next step is to cultivate positive relationships within the workplace. This can serve as a buffer against gossip.

According to Dutton and Heaphy (2003), positive social interactions can enhance individual well-being and workplace harmony.

By building a network of supportive colleagues, you can create a more positive work environment and reduce the influence of toxic behaviour. Develop trust with colleagues because it creates a foundation for positive interactions.

Build it through consistent, reliable behaviour and open communication. Provide support to toxic colleagues during challenging times to foster goodwill and strengthen the relationship. This could involve lending a helping hand with a project or even just offering a listening ear.

Christina Croner
Qualified Career Counsellor

Are you unsure whether you should change your career after a negative experience at work?
Book in a free discovery call to see how I can help!

Free Discovery Call

Colleagues That Undermine You or Others

Dealing with colleagues who undermine others in a toxic workplace can be particularly challenging.

This is especially hard if you’re an honest person - in my practice as a career counsellor, most people that place an importance on honesty also naively believe that everyone around them does the same. The problem is that if you believe someone every time they point out your flaws, you put your self esteem at risk.

The best and most under-utilised way to combat these attempts to gaslight you is to document EVERYTHING.

We are so lucky that emails are such a huge part of every office role because half your work is done if you’re in such a profession. If not, start documenting everything - even the things you don’t believe matter.

Figure out a way to file things with dates and times. Cortina and Magley (2003) suggest that documentation can provide evidence in case you need to report the behaviour to management or human resources.

Save emails, take notes during meetings, and keep a log of any incidents where you feel undermined. This can help you build a case if the behaviour escalates.

Also, and potentially more important, it will help you prove to yourself that you’re not as stupid as people claim.

This is exceptionally important for your morale at work because if you believe you’re constantly doing something wrong, making mistakes, or don’t have the skills to do the job, it will affect everything in your career from that point on - from how well you get past challenges to what roles you take in the future.

The next step is hard - I’m not going to lie.If you feel safe doing so, evidence suggests that addressing the behaviour directly with the colleague can sometimes be effective.
According to Rothwell (2012), direct communication can help clarify misunderstandings and set boundaries. The trick is to approach the person privately and calmly, describing the specific behaviour and its impact on your work. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed that you often question my decisions in meetings. This makes it difficult for me to contribute effectively. Can we discuss any concerns you have directly?”.
Addressing undermining behaviour directly can sometimes resolve the issue by bringing unspoken tensions to light and fostering mutual understanding. It also sets clear boundaries and demonstrates that you are willing to stand up for yourself in a professional manner.

Passive-aggressiveness

I hate this one the most. Sometimes I feel like shouting, ‘“Wouldn’t we all like to yell and scream our way through stress like you?!!! But do we? NO!”.

But it’s at that point that I remind myself that I’m far from perfect and move onto the techniques to deal with passive-aggressiveness from colleagues - reluctantly.

The first thing to do is understand the root cause of this behaviour. According to Richardson (2014), passive-aggressive behaviour often stems from feelings of powerlessness or resentment.

People are looking for a way to release their negative emotions instead of fixing their own problems. Knowing this information doesn’t provide an excuse for it - but understanding that it’s some people’s coping mechanism can help you approach the situation with empathy rather than frustration.

The next thing is to be explicit about your needs and deadlines to minimise ambiguity. Tubre and Collins (2000) suggest that clear role definitions and expectations can reduce misunderstandings and potential conflicts.

For example, provide detailed timelines and follow-up regularly to ensure tasks are completed as expected. This is important because miscommunications can foster hostile feelings, especially if it leads to more work.

The next step is to ‘train’ this colleague how to treat you as if they were a puppy, using positive reinforcement.

According to Daniels (2016), rewarding positive behaviour can encourage its recurrence. Acknowledge and appreciate when that passive-aggressive colleague displays cooperative and proactive behaviour. This can help shift the dynamic towards more constructive interactions.
Positive reinforcement works by creating a positive feedback loop, where people feel valued and motivated to continue their productive behaviour. For instance, acknowledging an employee who consistently meets deadlines or contributes positively in meetings can set a standard for others, reducing instances of passive-aggressiveness that often stem from feelings of resentment.
Provide specific feedback about what was positive. Instead of giving generic praise like "Good job," say something specific like, ‘I really appreciate how you took the initiative to complete the report ahead of schedule.’ This specificity helps colleagues understand exactly what behaviours are valued and encourages them to repeat those actions.

Start Small …. It Gets Easier.

Over time, I've learned that addressing and managing these behaviours is crucial not only for maintaining my sanity but also for fostering a healthier workplace culture.

Recognising that toxic behaviour isn't exclusive to high-stress industries or specific job roles was a pivotal realisation. It's often a matter of chance who you end up working with, rather than the nature of the job itself. Whether in demanding or relaxed environments, toxic people find ways to perpetuate negativity and undermine positivity.

Ultimately, while toxic colleagues can be draining, there are strategies to mitigate their impact and maintain your professionalism and sanity. By focusing on self-care, constructive communication, and setting boundaries, you can navigate these challenges more effectively and contribute to a healthier, more positive work environment for yourself and your colleagues - and keep your sanity!

References:

Burke, R. J., Clarke, S., & Cooper, C. L. (2008). Occupational health and safety. Gower Publishing, Ltd.

Cortina, L. M., & Magley, V. J. (2003). Raising voice, risking retaliation: Events following interpersonal mistreatment in the workplace. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 8(4), 247-265.

Daniels, A. C. (2016). Bringing out the best in people: How to apply the astonishing power of positive reinforcement. McGraw-Hill Education.

Dutton, J. E., & Heaphy, E. D. (2003). The power of high-quality connections at work. In K. S. Cameron, J. E. Dutton, & R. E. Quinn (Eds.), Positive organizational scholarship: Foundations of a new discipline (pp. 263-278). Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

Hickman, G. R., & Creighton-Zollar, A. (1998). The power of invisible leadership: How a transformational culture shapes leadership. SAGE Publications.

Hülsheger, U. R., Alberts, H. J. E. M., Feinholdt, A., & Lang, J. W. B. (2013). Benefits of mindfulness at work: The role of mindfulness in emotion regulation, emotional exhaustion, and job satisfaction. Journal of Applied Psychology, 98(2), 310-325.

Kurland, N. B., & Pelled, L. H. (2000). Passing the word: Toward a model of gossip and power in the workplace. Academy of Management Review, 25(2), 428-438.

Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Burnout: A brief history and how to make it matter. APS Observer, 29(5).

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.

Rothwell, J. D. (2012). In mixed company: Communicating in small groups and teams (8th ed.). Wadsworth, Cengage Learning.

Stajkovic, A. D., & Luthans, F. (2013). Positive organizational behavior in the workplace: The impact of hope, optimism, and resilience. Journal of Management, 39(5), 1278-1328.

Tubre, T. C., & Collins, J. M. (2000). Jackson and Schuler (1985) revisited: A meta-analysis of the relationships between role ambiguity, role conflict, and job performance. Journal of Management, 26(1), 155-169.

Yoon, J. H., Kang, M. Y., Jeung, D., & Chang, S. J. (2017). Suppressing emotion and engaging with complaining customers at work related to experience of depression and anxiety symptoms: a nationwide cross-sectional study. Industrial health, 55(3), 265–274.

Yoon SL, Kim JH (2013) Job-related stress, emotional labor, and depressive symptoms among Korean nurses. J Nurs Scholarsh 45, 169–76.