Why You Feel Guilty for Wanting to Quit Your Toxic Job and What to Do About It
Quitting a job is never an easy decision, especially when the workplace has become toxic. The emotions involved are complex, and guilt often tops the list. Whilst it’s okay to feel guilty for leaving colleagues in the lurch, it shouldn’t stop you from doing it if those same colleagues are making your work life difficult every week with their drama, negativity and emotional outbursts.
I, myself, have been in this position before and have even CRIED when resigning at a job because of the feelings of guilt. The funny thing is that the colleagues I was leaving were not worth those tears - they were always either trying to recruit me for the bullying or trying to bully me. I was often backed into a corner - either trying to get out of being dragged into their politics or telling them off for overstepping my boundaries.
Work became very tiring, especially because the actual work we all did was quite challenging on top of all the drama that my colleagues were creating. I wish I had known why I felt guilty because if I had, I might have done something about it sooner. In this blog, I want to delve into why you might feel guilty for wanting to leave a toxic job and provide some actionable steps to overcome that guilt and make a decision that's right for you.
Understanding the Source of Guilt
Understanding why you feel guilty about quitting your toxic job is the first step in addressing it. In my work, as a career counsellor, I have found that most people feel guilt for one of the following reasons:
Loyalty (believe it or not!)
If you’re a fellow people-pleaser, you might feel a deep sense of loyalty towards your colleagues (or maybe just some of them). Leaving them behind in a difficult environment can feel like a betrayal, especially if they rely on you for support. Knowing that your team is negative or full of toxic personalities might amplify those feelings of betrayal because you might subconsciously feel like you’re the glue that holds everything together, especially if you’re the calm one of the bunch. Maybe you picture how things will unravel without your diplomacy in the workplace and feel a sense of responsibility for being there to smooth things over.
Investment of time and effort
You've likely invested a significant amount of time and effort into your job. Walking away can feel like abandoning all the hard work you've put in. The time and energy dedicated to developing skills, understanding the company's culture, and climbing the career ladder can feel like it’s being easily dismissed. All the hard work, long hours, and the personal sacrifices might go to waste if you leave. The fear of starting over somewhere new, of having to prove yourself again, and the uncertainty of the future can also add to this anxiety.
Moreover, there is the psychological impact of the workplace itself. Toxic environments often erode our self-confidence, making us question our worth and capabilities. They create a dependency where leaving feels like escaping rather than progressing. The manipulation and negative reinforcement typical of such workplaces can distort your perspective, making you feel as though you're the problem or that you haven't tried hard enough to make things work.
Cultural Norms
Society often values perseverance and resilience. Quitting might be seen as giving up or failing, leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt. There’s also a societal pressure to endure hardships and persevere, which can make leaving feel like a personal failure rather than a necessary step for mental health and career growth. This pressure is rooted in the cultural narratives and societal norms that we’ve created to glorify resilience and tenacity, often at the expense of our own personal wellbeing.
One of the main contributors to this pressure is the "grind culture" or "hustle culture". It’s silly that we celebrate a relentless work ethic, long hours, and the pursuit of success at all costs. We’ve created a culture that equates constant productivity with moral virtue and personal value.
So when we are surrounded by this mentality, leaving a job, even a toxic one, can feel like a sign of weakness or a lack of perseverance. The societal admiration for those who "push through" difficulties can make it seem like enduring a toxic environment is a necessary rite of passage or a testament to one's character. Whilst I fully endorse achievement and tenancy, I only applaud it when we are not deluding ourselves into thinking that we somehow deserve to endue other people’s manipulation, emotional outbursts, or lack of accountability.
About the author:
I’m Christina, a qualified career counsellor that helps people find fulfilment after negative workplace experiences.
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There’s also the myth of the self-made individual, which suggests that success is solely the result of personal effort and sacrifice. This narrative often overlooks the importance of a supportive and healthy work environment in achieving success. It implies that if you just work hard enough, you can overcome any obstacle, including toxic workplace conditions. Consequently, leaving such an environment can feel like giving up on achieving success the "right" way, according to the society we currently live in.
And on top of all of that, let’s not forget that media portrayals of work and success often reinforce these pressures. Stories of individuals who have overcome extreme hardships to achieve success are celebrated, while the negative impacts of toxic work environments are rarely highlighted. This selective storytelling shapes public perception, making it seem like enduring difficult work conditions is a normal and necessary part of the journey to success.
The Impact of a Toxic Job on Your Well-being
The impact of a toxic workplace on mental health is profound and well-documented. Constant stress, anxiety, and depression are prevalent in such environments, often leading to burnout, which severely hampers your ability to function effectively both at work and in your personal life.
Stress and Anxiety
Toxic workplaces are typically characterised by poor management, lack of support, unreasonable demands, and a negative culture. These factors create a highly stressful environment where employees feel constantly overwhelmed. This chronic stress activates your body's stress response, leading to physiological changes such as increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and the release of stress hormones like cortisol. Over time, this can have detrimental effects on your physical and mental health.
Research published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that workplace stressors are strongly linked to anxiety disorders. The study highlights how the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations and the lack of control over one's work environment contribute significantly to anxiety levels among employees (Ganster & Rosen, 2013).
Depression
Depressive symptoms are another common outcome of working in a toxic environment because the constant negative feedback, lack of recognition, and feeling undervalued can erode your self-esteem. A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Applied Psychology showed a significant correlation between job stress and depressive symptoms, indicating that toxic work environments can be a major risk factor for depression (Ford et al., 2014).
Burnout
Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged and excessive stress. It is particularly prevalent in toxic workplaces where employees are under constant pressure without adequate support or resources. Burnout can lead to a range of issues, including reduced productivity, cynicism, and feelings of detachment from work. The World Health Organisation (WHO) officially classifies burnout as an occupational phenomenon, acknowledging its impact on health and wellbeing.
A study in the Journal of Occupational Health examined the prevalence of burnout among employees in high-stress occupations and found that toxic work environments significantly increase the risk of burnout. The study concluded that burnout not only affects job performance but also has severe implications for overall health, contributing to conditions such as cardiovascular disease and metabolic syndrome (Maslach & Leiter, 2016).
Impact on Personal Life
The repercussions of a toxic workplace extend beyond the professional sphere and are also likely to impact your personal life and relationships. We’ve all experienced the regret of arriving home from a long, stressful day, only to snap at our loved ones because we can’t shake off the negative emotions from the work day. Over a prolonged period, chronic stress and anxiety can lead to sleep disturbances, irritability, and withdrawal from social activities, leading to a diminished quality of life and devastating our relationships. Research in the Journal of Marriage and Family indicated that workplace stress negatively impacts marital satisfaction and family dynamics, highlighting the far-reaching consequences of a toxic work environment (Mauno et al., 2017).
Strategies to Overcome Guilt
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Reframe Your Perspective
Shift your mindset from feeling guilty about leaving to recognising the necessity of prioritising your wellbeing. Understand that staying in a toxic environment is not a measure of your resilience or loyalty. Resilience is often misunderstood as the ability to endure hardship indefinitely. However, true resilience also includes the capacity to recognise when a situation is harmful and to take steps to protect yourself. Leaving a toxic workplace is not an act of weakness; it's an exercise in self respect and strength. By choosing to exit a damaging environment, you are demonstrating a profound level of self awareness and resilience. You're acknowledging that your wellbeing is a priority and taking proactive steps to safeguard it.
Loyalty is another concept that often gets misinterpreted in the context of employment. While loyalty to an employer is commendable, it should not come at the expense of your health and happiness. Remember - you’re being loyal to a company, not a person with feelings or values. Although every company claims to have values, there’s no governing body out there monitoring that they follow through, or that the moral guidelines they parade around trickle down the hierarchy to safeguard you. True loyalty begins with loyalty to yourself and your values. When you stay in a toxic environment out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, you are neglecting your own needs and wellbeing. Reframe loyalty to mean being true to your own principles and ensuring that your work environment aligns with them.
Also keep in mind that the guilt you may feel from leaving your colleagues in the lurch is misguided. They are just as free as you are to find a better job at any time. Every person has free will - it’s time to exercise yours!
The guilt associated with leaving often stems from a short-term perspective. Reframing your mindset involves focusing on the long-term benefits of your decision. A healthier work environment will likely lead to improved mental and physical health, greater job satisfaction, and a more sustainable career.
Consider Your Long-term Goals
Reflecting on your long-term career and personal goals is a critical step in leaving a toxic work environment. Evaluate how your current situation aligns with your aspirations and whether it supports or hinders your journey toward achieving these goals. Is the toxic environment forcing you to focus on politics and drama, rather than refining your skills or being challenged by work issues?
Consider your goals for skills development - are there books you want to read, webinars you want to attend or extra responsibilities you could see yourself picking up to get better at your job? Is your toxic workplace stifling these opportunities for learning and growth due to a lack of support, mentorship, and resources, or (at the other end) overworking its staff?
Also consider reflecting on how your job affects your relationships with family and friends. Is your toxic job putting strain these relationships due to increased stress, irritability, and lack of quality time? Consider whether you’d like to keep these things happening in the long run.
Practical Steps to Transition Out of Your Toxic Job
Once you've decided to leave, it's important to plan your exit carefully. Leaving a toxic job is not as easy as leaving a normal one - your self-confidence is most likely down, you have no one to ask to be a referee and you’re always worried about finding time to interview with everyone ready to gossip about how much time you’ve been taking off. Here are some practical steps to make the transition and leave your toxic job for good:
1. Update your resume and LinkedIn profile
Make sure your resume and LinkedIn profile are current. Make it very achievement-heavy - remind yourself of why you were hired, how you bring value, and what you can do better than others in the field. Optimise your resume and LinkedIn with keywords and switch on that you’re ‘open to work’ on LinkedIn.
2. Network
Reach out to your professional network and let them know you're exploring new opportunities. This could be old colleagues or managers. You’d be surprised at how often this method lands a job offer - it bypasses all the barriers of online applications and comes with a recommendation from the person referring you. Plus, you can often find out about the culture before you even interview from your connection!
3. Research Employers
Look for companies with positive work cultures. Websites like Glassdoor can provide insights into employee experiences at different organisations. Look up how long people on LinkedIn stay in that company - what’s the average tenure? Also try SEEK Company Profiles and Reviews for further insight.
4. Prepare for interviews
Practice your interview skills and be ready to discuss your experience and why you're looking for a new opportunity without badmouthing your current employer.
5. Sort out your references
Consider asking colleagues or superiors that have exited the company to be a referee. Alternatively, you could ask ex-colleagues from previous jobs you’ve worked at.
6. Land a job!
Land a great job, give notice to your toxic workplace and never look back!
Feeling guilty about wanting to quit your toxic job is natural, but it shouldn't prevent you from taking the necessary steps to protect your wellbeing. Recognise the sources of your guilt, understand the impact of the toxic environment on your health, and employ strategies to overcome the guilt. Plan your exit carefully and embrace the transition with a positive outlook. Remember, prioritising your health and happiness is not a sign of weakness but a testament to your strength and self-respect.
References
Ganster, D. C., & Rosen, C. C. (2013). Work stress and employee health: A multidisciplinary review. Journal of Management, 39(5), 1085–1122. https://doi.org/10.1177/0149206313475815
Ford, D. C., Merrick, M. T., Parks, S. E., Breiding, M. J., Gilbert, L. K., Edwards, V. J., Dhingra, S. S., Barile, J. P., & Thompson, W. W. (2014). Examination of the Factorial Structure of Adverse Childhood Experiences and Recommendations for Three Subscale Scores. Psychology of violence, 4(4), 432–444. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037723
Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 15(2), 103–111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311
Mauno, Saija & Cheng, Ting & Lim, Vivian. (2017). The Far-Reaching Consequences of Job Insecurity: A Review on Family-Related Outcomes. Marriage & Family Review. 53. 10.1080/01494929.2017.1283382.